Festive joy?

Running around like a headless chicken in preparation for the two day holiday that I wish was just 5 days off, with none of the ceremony!


For a change, I'll be spending this year with family so even more reason to dread it.


The wankers at work place 1 have decided to ban blogger, it's a kick in the teeth. I have requested access to several sites with the argument that employees are allowed to use the Internet in their own time. I await a response but am not hopeful.


The wankers at work place 2 wont fuck off, something to do with the time of year! This time of year is too busy at work place 2, I foolishly volunteered overtime which has left me no time to conduct my social life and prepare for Christmas... So Christmas shopping has had to wait. I will start that shit on Friday!

The fukwits at work places 1 and 2 will now be called 'zombies', it's something I have been thinking about. One job is customer facing and heavily integrated with benefit claimers - benefits is the most inappropriate name for benefits, perhaps if the name changed fewer zombies would live their lives on handouts - you really can't blame them for this, it's the most obvious case of classical and operant conditioning. They fill in some forms and wait around for a few hours and hey presto a reward in the form of money is received, and so the behaviour is reinforced. The job centre is a giant Skinner box. I do acknowledge that for many the need is genuine, gratefully received and deserved as their contributions ensure the money is there when they need it, but there seems to be a growing majority who wander around from municipal building to municipal building making a career out of claiming. I do blame them and I don't, they have been repeatedly rewarded for their lifestyles with no emphasis on empowerment or self sufficiency. Doctors are also to blame and they aren't, they have limited time to see patients so they sign people off work or register them disabled for no significant reason other than to get them out of their surgery.

Job 2 brings a whole new meaning to my 'zombie theory' but I don't have time for that right now. The zombies I deal with are not those having an existential crisis like my beloved Otto in Bruce LaBruces film, they are zombies because they cannot think for themselves or believe they are thinking for themselves and in complete control but really they are so controlled it's frightening.




I haven't seen any other Bruce LaBruce films yet but I like this one - oh and he's Canadian making Canadian movies.


I'll be Christmas shopping and partying for the foreseeable... and doing research!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Hallelujah!

I'm never drinking again, well not wine anyway, well maybe only with meals, oh and to socialize... oh OK anything, anytime and for any reason!

Another whole day wasted with a gale force hangover, this hedonism will have to stop soon but I did have another great evening. I went to a mates with my sister and watched the Xfactor final, yes I admit that, I haven't really watched many of the shows but any excuse for a get together. I like the winners song but prefer K D Lang's version. This was supposed to be an alternative to getting together in town but after the result, and a few sing alongs to selected Moulin Rouge songs, we ended up out anyway. Fortunately for me (not them) my parents live central so I turned up at 4am to crash - apparently, well that's where I woke up. I didn't pull, I don't think.

I had my first Christmas 'do' on Friday night. This was uneventful but a pleasant evening. Having two jobs means I may have to go to another, nothing has been arranged as yet.

Bad news: I haven't had sex for 11 days. I haven't started Christmas shopping yet, not even written cards.

Good news: Holiday romance guy got in touch, he arrived back home safely to warmer climates and said he smiled all the way home because of me, he considers our night together 'special'. I am glad to hear this as I now know it wasn't one sided. I wish I could have smiled about it but I wanted MORE!! It's such a shame but meeting him helped me forget the ex, in fact it blew the ex out of the water.
My brother is leaving rehab next week, he is ready to leave the supported accommodation and live on his own. He began his treatment over a year ago and is still doing really well, I hope he stays clean and dry.

Emotional Pushover!

Recovering after MJs party! I started chatting to a guy on gaydar this week. He made it clear he wanted a LTR and I made it clear that I did not. I said I was interested in finding friends and maybe more. He wanted to continue chatting and he was kinda interesting and well educated, about to finish his PhD. He lived 40 miles away (approx) so really not a problem. We progressed to MSN.

We talked about Julianne Moore as we both felt she is an underrated actress. It then transpired that my all time favourite scene in a film, which is the breakdown scene at the chemist in Magnolia, is a scene he shows to his students. Not so much of a coincidence as this is a great scene in a great film...

We talked about many more things over a period of three hours one night and two hours the next. Then he asked and I replied as follows (** = me) - what follows here is a gargantuin breach of privacy which I feel a little bad about:

***** says:
do you like me? lol
** says:
yeah you are a very easy to get on with guy
** says:
with great taste in movies
** says:
and actresses
** says:
and breakdown scenes
***** says:
lol

** says:
and some smart first year students

I went on for a bit more listing as much as I could remember about him, I think I mistook the question for a memory task, then:

are these my credetials?
** says:
lol this information I have stored
** says:
so... what can you tell me about me? (I admit I was a little flirty here)
***** says:
probably deceptively smart
***** says:
I think you had a ruggedness, but sensitive amd warm at heart
***** says:
a pushover emotionally, lol
***** says:
I think you need the love, care and attention of a good man! and I mean good in all senses

Now, even after five hours of 'chatting' can somebody make such judgements? A pushover emotionally?!! Need the love and attention?? I got a little pissed off because I had made myself clear from the outset...

** says:
gosh! wasn't expecting that lol
***** says:
oh
***** says:
am I wrong then?
** says:
erm... prob not in some respects

** says:
i would say that I don't 'need' the love and attention but rather would like the love and attention
***** says:
yes
***** says:
well that's the same thing really ....
***** says:
maybe you have an unrecognised need - as opposed to a want

A bit of an argument ensued and I started questioning his motivations because he is cruising gaydar for LTR. I had already thought about this and while I recognise relationships on gaydar can and do happen, I was interested in the way he was specifically looking for a relationship with great effort.

I have only entered into a LTR as a result of falling for someone etc not a conscious decision to seek out and get with anyone else that is also looking, so I wanted to understand his stance...

** says:
but dont you beleive in meeting someone and falling in love unexpected?
***** says:
not sure any more lol
***** says:
of course it has to develop
***** says:
but it's meeting a guy in the first place that is the problem!
***** says:
love takes months and months to develop anyway
** says:
i was thinking about you earlier... and it 'seems' like you have decided you want a relationship and are now thinking "i'm ready to take a partner now" and are just going to take one

***** says:
thinking about me when?
** says:
at work
***** says:
oh no I would never just take one!
***** says:
I am probably the fussiest guy you'll meet
***** says:
I have seen various people for quite a few weeks over the years, but never wanted to commit
***** says:
it just never felt right to me - so I have had my chances, as it were

Still pissed off about the previous description of me...

** says:
so what you are doing now is sifting through the varying levels of shyte on gaydar to find a potential, then see if anything happens
***** says:
lol
***** says:
well if you put it like that ...
***** says:
not really; I am trying to find someone who has similar desires
***** says:
then see if/what happens

I went on to advise of an application on facebook he may be interested in because I wasn't interested in a relationship, as I had made clear from the get go. He took the advice as a 'brush off'?!

***** says:
you brushing me off then? haha
***** says:
true ...
** says:
I have had a shyte year and been hurt twice (one was nice hurt) and all my friends and family are telling me to stay single for a while so I might take that advice... as you said...'emotional pushover'
** says:
but...
***** says:
ok
***** says:
that's fair enough
** says:
I am interested in making new friends and visiting etc and if things do happen well that's really out of my control
***** says:
ok
** says:
but you should know... if we do meet etc... that my mind is set on remaining single right now although 'I' realise that things like that are often outa my hands
** says:
fuk me I talk shit
***** says:
no that's fine
***** says:
thanks for the honesty
** says:
so what are your thoughts?
***** says:
dunno
***** says:
I need bed?!
** says:
ok

I guess a shags out of the question then?

Voice from above

I have two part-time jobs and find it too much of a division at times. Luckily I spend Monday and Tuesday at one job and the rest of the week at another but this makes my working week feel like two weeks, in all, my normal week feels like three if I include the weekend.


Fortunately, one work place isn't having a Christmas 'do' and I think the other is this weekend... I should check that! ...Checked and it's this Friday just after MJs.


I should have a tame one this weekend, I have been getting far too drunk and spending all possible out-of-work-time out which is expensive. It has been such a larf though.


I am hoping my landlord doesn't bring back another clone over the weekend. His bedroom is above mine so when I am home it gets tres annoying, at first i just thought "good on him" but not anymore.


He chooses pretty girls who really have no opinions and no voice. Their hair is bleached and straightened to within an inch of its life, they have an orange complexion, they're draped in New Look clothing and need leading around - if they're not led I think they would freeze until prompted to move or wander off and get lost. They do find a voice when they're being rabbit fucked above me morning, noon and night albeit a limited vocabulary. I can't distinguish between them visually or aurally, I know the girls are different because they vary in height.

All credit to him at the end of the day, whichever clone it happens to be this week, the man can can reach a phenomenal speed and maintain this speed for ten minutes or more, have a short break and straight back in the saddle. He does have enviable stamina.


I'll get my own back one of these weekends and then he'll realise why I have never patted him on the back...

Saturday 6th December 2008

Saturday was a beautiful day, it was still cold but the sky was clear blue. I intended to start some Christmas shopping but when the weather is so good you have to make the most of it. Besides I have come to hate shopping at any time of the year so Christmas shopping - shopping for others! - just annoys me!

I am fortunate enough to live in Bournemouth. Dorset and Hampshire have so many lovely places to visit and the some of the best walking ground, one of my favourite places is Hengistbury Head, which is handy as I live very close to this.

I put on my boots, grabbed my camera and headed in the opposite direction to most people. That felt good!

From the South and East sides of Hengistbury you can clearly see The Needles on the Isle Of Wight

Thinking I'm a professional photographer, I clamber onto the South Side to get a picture of The Needles

Thinking I'm an utterly brilliant photographer, I sprawl in the grass for an alternative shot of The Needles.

View from Hengistbury Head looking west as Southbourne and Bournemouth Beaches.

One of those map things that people often gather around in large numbers in case they didn't know where they were or what they are looking at.

View looking North-east over Mudeford Spit and Quay

The ornamental pond on top of Hengistbury Head

I was kinda fascinated with how completely different this pond looks from different angles. I'm not sure these photos capture this well.

The ornamental pond from a slightly different angle


I walked over the top and down onto Mudeford Spit, I walked along the beach and sat on some sea defence rocks. Then I cried... I don't know why and can't remember the last time I did cry. I was out of the way and nobody could see. I have experienced quite a lot of shit this year so I think I deserved it, it may have been the Sigur Ros on my ipod or just the solitude, location and weather but I bawled like a baby! I felt fine before and felt brilliant immediately after.


Mudeford Spit beach huts

Although Hengistbury Head is located in Bournemouth it is actually Christchurch Council who manage and maintain Mudeford Spit as part of Mudeford Quay, I can't remember who pays who for what. Christchurch Council provide the sea defences.

I walked back along the spit past the beach huts that reportedly sell for £150,000 each, I doubt they're reaching that at the moment. I know of one beach hut that didn't get it's full asking price of £80,000.



£80,000 is still a lot of money for what is essentially a shed, some have electric and plumbing but most do not. I realise it's the location that people are paying for but it's still a shed in a nice location.

Would I pay £80,000 for this blue shed? Really really not




Would I pay that for this pink shed? Well this one is pink. It does not have a picnic table blocking the entrance which was tempting with the blue one, neither has it any upturned boats but it is pink.

The answer is still really really not!

I walked around the south side in what was literally blinding sun and followed the beach down, this starts as sand becomes a pebble beach which is occasionally used by naturalists in the summer months.

The South-east corner

The South beach at Hengistbury Head



And they said it would snow...

Que sera sera

We met here on Saturday

We returned to work Monday

(and running out)

We used modern technology to communicate

We drank here Wednesday

We ended up here(incidentally I don't believe in wasting time ironing duvet covers)

We returned to work Thursday, communicated some more, met some more...

He flew back to his homeland Saturday as planned several months ago

The End...

Kapitano said...
Sounds like a holiday romance - intense because it's brief, brief because it's intense, love on speed, leaves a lingering bittersweet aftertaste.

Name and Shame

I have been informed from a reliable source that the killers (not the purveyors of death) of Baby P are:



Tracey Connolly and Steven Barker of Penhurst Road Tottenham



The lodger is Jason Owen

Man in the mirror!

SCORED!!



What can I say? Other than I must still have 'it'!



What is more worrying for me though is how quickly I started to fall for this guy proper. Now I have been analysing this and the first point to consider would be - Is it me? Do I fall for people too quickly? Am I a serial monogamist? After careful consideration I have concluded that it is not me. If this were the case I think I would have knocked up more than two long term relationships in my 33 years and these would lasted a lot less than a decade.



It may have been one sided. I may have liked him more than he liked me. I get the feeling this isn't true either as it seemed like one of those nights during which we totally relaxed considering we hardly know each other and just talked and talked with nothing out of bounds. This could have occurred due to him leaving in two days. Being aware that we were not getting started on anything and really have nothing to lose by letting all guards down possibly gave the illusion of sparks or chemistry.



I have to then consider that there is actually something between us. I don't really want to do this because I don't want to get involved with anyone and he flies back to where from which he came in 2 days. That said, there are some seriously strange similarities and/or coincidences. For example:

• We work for the same Authority albeit different fields


• We are of similar age


• We live in the same town


• etc etc etc

The above points are merely geographical and demographics at work. These are the largest reasons people will meet and enter into relationships (I am excluding CMC). Then other similarities started to become apparent:

• We have the same first name (this didn't become apparent, we already knew this)


• We have the same nicknames - Now you may think 'well you share the same name so yeah duh' but my actual nickname has nothing to do with my name and is quite unusual


• My favourite beach which I visit all of the time is one he chose to live overlooking for the past four years - This might not seem unusual but this beach isn't in the same County that either of us work in and have subsequently met etc. From his description I can identify his property as I know this area very well. It's not a popular visiting spot.


• Very similar music tastes and avid festival goers


• From similar families re number of siblings although he has far more nieces and nephews than I


• Religious upbringings although they are different faiths (I am now faithless)

There were several more but I really can't afford to get hung up on this because we did meet in his eleventh hour. Wasn't meant to be...

Or perhaps it is only because we are similar that I'm thinking there is more? Oh I don't care really... I got a shag at the end of the day!

I need oiling

It's been almost a month since my split and as I only hurt a little, with greater relief than pain in the end, I think I am now ready to get amongst the field players or take hold of my fishing rod for those supposed plentiful fish stocks. So with my new threads on I headed into town on Friday night with a couple of friends for a few quiet drinks.

This spiralled into a mad mayhem wopper of a bender evening very very quickly! I was unlikely to pull in the first bar but one of my friends attracted plenty of attention from several GROUPS of lads, she is blessed in looks and boobs and is very handy at getting served fast, so it followed that we joined a larger group. An incident followed and someone was evicted, not one of my original evening companions, but it was deemed necessary to leave and so off we all went to Walkabout. Now, I don't know if you have ever been unfortunate enough to experience a Walkabout but everyone I have ever been to represents the arsehole of pubbing in the naughties. The majority of the people partying are usually far too drunk to be there! Women... strike that... Girls in high heals and mini skirts skidding over on the dancefloor (because its very wet with drink and sick) with breasts and legs flying everywhere. Men... strike that... Boys locked in bonding rituals - not the kind I wanted to see or experience -with tears and promises of infinite friendship. Mixed groups arguing over the well being of another. It was like Armageddon but they seemed to be enjoying themselves dancing when they could to that R n B bollox. I can't judge and am no social barometer by anyones standards but this place was not for me and more importantly I was not gonna get any here either...

Leaving the boobed friend behind, myself and another friend who shares my poofy persuasion headed for gay town. We danced some more to the latest Britney and Katie singles in a more relaxed atmosphere until the early hours but alas no gay attention, not even a sniff, so I headed home. Not even the taxi driver was interested (on this occasion).

Am I over the hill? Am I so far out of the loop that the loop looks likes tape worm from my distance? Do I emit a recently single with a little baggage vibe? Am I rusty when it comes to the field? Was I just enjoying time with my my friends to notice anything/one?

So I went out Saturday night too. This time with my sister to exclusively gay bars. We had drinks with my first ex (it's been long enough) which was very cool watching burlesque performances in new bar The Birdcage - enjoyable.

I got gay attention!! All is right on my dancefloor!! Funnily enough I saw a work colleague and we were both surprised to see each other... emails and texts have followed... next is a drink out this week... He moves away next week so no danger of anything more but maybe... just maybe...

Ode to Daves

I know several Daves which means when talking about them (not bitchin - usually) I have to use a little extra cognitive effort using nic names or include surnames in order to accurately describe the correct Dave. I love all the Daves I know therefore I don't mind the extra effort.

I am lucky to know my Daves and dedicate this song to you...

How very dare you!

I realise Facebook could not remain advert free forever, it is after all a marketing wet dream! Mark Zuckerberg may apologise for the adverts and he may insist they are to ensure the site stays free but I have a sneaky suspicion his bank manager is very happy for him.

I am happy for any person's success as long as it isn't detrimental to other people but I do take umbrage at being 'targeted' by ads because of the information in my profile. I have recently changed my profile information to reflect my new fabulous single status so I have listed 'men' as my interest. The adverts quickly changed from credit cards, loans and mobile phone networks to gay dating sites, saunas and life coaching... yes! Life coaching?!

What on earth does this suggest the marketing gurus behind the adverts on facebook think of gay men?



If I were to invest any money in these services and/or products my typical day could be the following...





I would wake up in my gay flat with my gay flat mates courtesy of prideroomates.com and then I can check my emails and messages for gay.com and gaydar. I wouldn't need to let the cats out as they now have cat flaps that open for them which are programmed to recognise their microchips [my prayers have been heard]!

When at work, I could use my work computer to book my next all-gay cruise with Altantis or I could search the online database at Loopylove to find gay men in the UK (as if its not easy enough).


During my lunch I could pop into Utopia Spa to use the sauna and when my working day is done I can use the gym practising the five tips for a flat stomach or take the supplements I purchased to achieve that perfect physique which all gay men must be after.



I would return to my pink home at the end of the day (remembering I have no need to let the cats in) squealing with delight when greeted by my gay flatmates. We would later discuss our sauna sessions and the 'hot' new guys we've found online but first I would need to have a session with my life coach.



Not a bad day for many... but... just because a man wants to list himself on his facebook profile as interested in men facebook assumes he's a pink poofy queen who calls his ass a manny!


How very dare you!!

Single Me

As I have been recently rendered single I must now make a decision on the kind of single person I shall be. As I understand it there are several different types of singleness which kind of determines the type you become. There are those that have never really been in a long term relationship (LTR) and the majority of this group are young persons who haven’t really ‘had a stab’ at anything more than sex and dates. This is understandable for young folk as they are making other life decisions such as career or education. They also spend a huge amount of time satisfying themselves in whichever way they can – and rightly so! In short, youngsters are discovering their own identity and don’t normally have the focus for another individual or relationship. Another singles category is the group of people that no person (and some animals) would entertain as a partner. This can be for many reasons but in the main it will be because they are ridiculously ugly either in appearance or their personality. It could also be due to physical or mental health issues or even just poor personal hygiene. The broken heart group did find the love of their life but in the end it wasn’t reciprocated leaving them unable to move on. Conversely, there are the romantics who have not found ‘the one’ yet and are happy in the knowledge that Mr or Mrs Right will come along and until that time they will remain happy and single. The selfish adult likes to have fun and think only of themselves, they have no intention of entering into a LTR. I use the word ‘selfish’ as descriptive and not as any kind of judgement as they do not really hurt anyone and they will often make their intentions clear to all. Then there are those that are unable to commit to a LTR, usually due to an emotional flaw (reactive attachment disorder). And finally, there are those who have recognised they are in the wrong relationship and have separated amicably or otherwise – this is the group that I am currently situated in.

So how should I be?

Generally speaking, members of my group can become several different types of single. They can mope and moan about the previous relationship and how they don’t want to be single or feel that they always will be single, becoming withdrawn and self pitying. I think I have moaned enough already and I don’t feel withdrawn so I guess I will not be this kind of single. They can rush into a rebound relationship or just another relationship in some kind of serial monogamy fashion. I really can’t be arsed with anyone else right now and the thought of learning another partners sleep and toilet habits is off putting at the moment. Alternatively, the single can freefall into a social life fuelled by drink, drugs and meaningless sex. This is an attractive option but I have two jobs and studies to continue so maybe I’ll consider this option on a part time basis. As per the advice from my family and friends the single can choose to have ‘me time’, that is to not even attempt a reconciliation or seek another relationship in the foreseeable future and take time to focus on personal and professional goals. This is the option for me right now and listing the options here has helped me to decide. I will however be borrowing heavily from the freefall option with regular (but not full time) drinking, drugs and meaningless sex. In fact I am going to have such a fucking laugh and live selfishly and hedonistically albeit in a sensible manner.

I am really looking forward to this….

BRING-IT-ON!!!